Me: yeah, to be honest I'm trying to distract myself from thinking about nathan
since he's gotten back to senegal I haven't talked to him
but he made one of my pictures his profile
and send me a short message
which is hard to read intol
R: thats sweet [the pic part]
what did his message say?
and i understand about keeping yourself distracted - i do that all the time
me: :)
Me: his message said
"Thanks for making my time in DC really enjoyable and memorable. Thanks so much."
which is really sweet, but at the same time, kinda makes me feel like crap
R: why does it make you feel like crap? like it makes you miss him?
M: yeah, but also kind of like he's thinking of it as a great weekend and nothing more
which is fine, and I guess what I expected
but I could also be reading too much into it
because I'm a girl
R: its super easy to want something to be more even if reality of the situation tells you it wont work
i totally get that
and i'm sorry :(
Me: its all good :)
thanks for being my sounding board for all this, I appreciate it
R: of course
i totally understand
you have to talk about it
keepin it in and then it all blowing up never turns out well for anyone
Me: yeah
so what does that message sound like to you?
what would you read into it?
:)
R: first off, i think its great he sent you a message
i think that says he was thinkin about you and sincerely wanted to thank you
i think he left it a little vague bc he doesn't want to hurt you - i.e. tell you something that he doesn't follow through on but he still wanted you to know he was thinkin about you he said enjoyable AND memorable
not only did he have a good time in the moment and when he was with you, its also something that he's put in his memory. and memorABLE implies a good thing :)
Me: :)
ok, I like your take on it
R: haha
good :)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Lawyer Boy
Lawyer Boy (B) showed his sister pictures of me while at home for Thanksgiving. Her response was, "she looks nice." At first I thought this was the kiss of death, but it turns out his sister hates anyone he dates, and for her this was a dead-on compliment.
Its starting to feel like a relationship. I helped him unpack at his new place last night, and spent the night cuddling, and just talking about past relationships.
So it turns out that his mom and dad and whole family don't say the L word out loud even to each other. He did tell me the story of one girl he said he loved, who dumped him a month later, and strung him along for a full year afterwards. Its pretty understandable that he has trust issues now, and doesn't seem entirely capable of emotional intimacy. I just can't help but wonder if he even feels remotely for me like he did for that one girl. They had only dated for 5-6 months before the L word came out, and we are on month 12. Yep, 12, almost at a year.
Still, he doesn't seem interested in what has happened in my life, in my stories. We'll see if that changes. Most of all I'm worried that I'm falling for a man that may never fully love me.
Its starting to feel like a relationship. I helped him unpack at his new place last night, and spent the night cuddling, and just talking about past relationships.
So it turns out that his mom and dad and whole family don't say the L word out loud even to each other. He did tell me the story of one girl he said he loved, who dumped him a month later, and strung him along for a full year afterwards. Its pretty understandable that he has trust issues now, and doesn't seem entirely capable of emotional intimacy. I just can't help but wonder if he even feels remotely for me like he did for that one girl. They had only dated for 5-6 months before the L word came out, and we are on month 12. Yep, 12, almost at a year.
Still, he doesn't seem interested in what has happened in my life, in my stories. We'll see if that changes. Most of all I'm worried that I'm falling for a man that may never fully love me.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Google Doc of my life.
Several months ago, I started a google spreadsheet to keep track of my conquests and dating patterns. I columns for name, job, income, religion, type, physical characteristics, and notes. There are 3 sheets in the document: Active, Deactivated, and Prospects.
Without going into too much detail, this helps me keep track of all the men in my life, and helps me to create closure when a relationship or dating period ends. When I haven't heard from a guy in over 2 weeks, I simply move their row over into the "Deactivated" pile.
I am pretty good at my job, and decided, why shouldn't I bring the same kind of organization and thoughtfulness to my love life that I bring to work. Organizing their names and careers on a sheet helps me to feel in control, and manage my strategies for relationships. If there is a prospect that is particularly attractive, I focus my outreach efforts on him.
The problem comes when your actives list is narrowed down to two.
Without going into too much detail, this helps me keep track of all the men in my life, and helps me to create closure when a relationship or dating period ends. When I haven't heard from a guy in over 2 weeks, I simply move their row over into the "Deactivated" pile.
I am pretty good at my job, and decided, why shouldn't I bring the same kind of organization and thoughtfulness to my love life that I bring to work. Organizing their names and careers on a sheet helps me to feel in control, and manage my strategies for relationships. If there is a prospect that is particularly attractive, I focus my outreach efforts on him.
The problem comes when your actives list is narrowed down to two.
A small commitment
So the conversation with B last Wednesday night at Happy Hour went something like this -->
M: So I really have been wanting to talk to you about something. I just want to make sure you're not just stringing me along until you find someone better, because that's what it feels like sometimes. I mean, I really like you, and I think we are great together, but I don't like being anyone's second choice or back up.
B: You're not. I do really like you too, I mean would I be here if I wasn't interested. And believe me, I know, you would never play second fiddle to anyone. You would never be anyone's second choice. There is no one else, I'm only interested in dating you. I'm really bad at talking about this emotion stuff you know?
more talking........
M: So I guess the last thing I wanted to ask about was to tell you that there are guys who are interested and want a commitment. Is it still ok for me to be dating other people?
B: ....silence.....
M: Ok, nevermind, lets just say I didn't ask that.
B: No, hold on a second, I'm just thinking here....... No.
M: No what?
B: No, its not ok for you to be dating other people.
And that was the basics of the conversation. :) and I can't stop smiling, and I'm so ridiculously incredibly happy, and yeah. freaking 11 months..... 11.... 11.
I realize its not the most ideal way to enter into an exclusive relationship, but for Ben, who I tend to believe if my own Mr. Big, this is HUGE step.
I don't really know what's going to happen from here, or if anything is actually going to change, but its pretty exciting.
M!
M: So I really have been wanting to talk to you about something. I just want to make sure you're not just stringing me along until you find someone better, because that's what it feels like sometimes. I mean, I really like you, and I think we are great together, but I don't like being anyone's second choice or back up.
B: You're not. I do really like you too, I mean would I be here if I wasn't interested. And believe me, I know, you would never play second fiddle to anyone. You would never be anyone's second choice. There is no one else, I'm only interested in dating you. I'm really bad at talking about this emotion stuff you know?
more talking........
M: So I guess the last thing I wanted to ask about was to tell you that there are guys who are interested and want a commitment. Is it still ok for me to be dating other people?
B: ....silence.....
M: Ok, nevermind, lets just say I didn't ask that.
B: No, hold on a second, I'm just thinking here....... No.
M: No what?
B: No, its not ok for you to be dating other people.
And that was the basics of the conversation. :) and I can't stop smiling, and I'm so ridiculously incredibly happy, and yeah. freaking 11 months..... 11.... 11.
I realize its not the most ideal way to enter into an exclusive relationship, but for Ben, who I tend to believe if my own Mr. Big, this is HUGE step.
I don't really know what's going to happen from here, or if anything is actually going to change, but its pretty exciting.
M!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Ben as my own Mr. Big
Hey Chicas,
I just wanted to say thanks for such a great Haloween. 3 parties in one night baby! C, I can't wait to hear what happened to you at the last event.
As for myself, I really wanted to share the awesomeness that I skillfully crafted. (Not that I'm super proud or anything). I think I might have created commitment without having the conversation. But please don't feel you have to read, I just wanted to share, and thought you two might appreciate this.
Ok, so you know B? Uber-Commitment phobe whom I've been dating since January and am, lets be honest, head of heels for. I've attempted to have the "conversation" about us several times, and Ben has skirted the issue several times. He took me to the Hockey Game last night, and afterwards we had dinner at Nando's. Now to catch you guys up, over the past several weeks, he has been increasingly active in his pursual/interest, and its really odd for a Day to pass without me either getting an e-mail, gchat, or text from him. We have the whole "classy" competition going on, where we get points for classy events we go to, and he honestly seems more interested than ever before.
This does not detract from the fact that he is painfully fearful of commitment, and even though I am fairly certain he is not dating anyone else, its hard not to feel like he's not waiting for something better to come along. I've also decided that he's my own Mr. Big.
But at anyrate, last night we had this talk about the new bowling league, and I expressed how excited I was, and that it would be fun to put a team together. I asked if he was interested, and he said yes! So now we are both inviting close friends to join and are basically running the bowling team. Which is a significant commitment. I mean it solidifies that we will see eachother at least once a week, and everyone who comes will know that we are dating.
So basically, its a commitment, that he's not planning moving on, at least until the end of january. Which takes away a huge weight off my shoulders of, "when will I see him again," "should I invite him to some event," etc. It might seem small, but I think its a really great step in the realm towards commitment, and it means we don't have to have "the conversation" yet, and I can leave the ball in his court. Perhaps I'm over-exagerating, but it seems like the perfect middle ground between dating and commitment. Heart.
He's also promised to attend the Smithsonian Young Benefactors Christmas/Yule Ball with me and to actually Dance!
Really happy with life right now,
M
I just wanted to say thanks for such a great Haloween. 3 parties in one night baby! C, I can't wait to hear what happened to you at the last event.
As for myself, I really wanted to share the awesomeness that I skillfully crafted. (Not that I'm super proud or anything). I think I might have created commitment without having the conversation. But please don't feel you have to read, I just wanted to share, and thought you two might appreciate this.
Ok, so you know B? Uber-Commitment phobe whom I've been dating since January and am, lets be honest, head of heels for. I've attempted to have the "conversation" about us several times, and Ben has skirted the issue several times. He took me to the Hockey Game last night, and afterwards we had dinner at Nando's. Now to catch you guys up, over the past several weeks, he has been increasingly active in his pursual/interest, and its really odd for a Day to pass without me either getting an e-mail, gchat, or text from him. We have the whole "classy" competition going on, where we get points for classy events we go to, and he honestly seems more interested than ever before.
This does not detract from the fact that he is painfully fearful of commitment, and even though I am fairly certain he is not dating anyone else, its hard not to feel like he's not waiting for something better to come along. I've also decided that he's my own Mr. Big.
But at anyrate, last night we had this talk about the new bowling league, and I expressed how excited I was, and that it would be fun to put a team together. I asked if he was interested, and he said yes! So now we are both inviting close friends to join and are basically running the bowling team. Which is a significant commitment. I mean it solidifies that we will see eachother at least once a week, and everyone who comes will know that we are dating.
So basically, its a commitment, that he's not planning moving on, at least until the end of january. Which takes away a huge weight off my shoulders of, "when will I see him again," "should I invite him to some event," etc. It might seem small, but I think its a really great step in the realm towards commitment, and it means we don't have to have "the conversation" yet, and I can leave the ball in his court. Perhaps I'm over-exagerating, but it seems like the perfect middle ground between dating and commitment. Heart.
He's also promised to attend the Smithsonian Young Benefactors Christmas/Yule Ball with me and to actually Dance!
Really happy with life right now,
M
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Rule #1. Always wear cute underwear and shave your legs.
Rule #1. Always wear cute underwear and shave your legs, even when you're going out for a "girl's night." You never know who will be there.
In the spirit of October, this is a horror story, never to be repeated outside of this realm.
Last Friday, in the cold rain that is a D.C. October night, I dragged myself out of the house to meet up with two of my Besties at Bar Louie. A few cocktails later we were laughing our way to Rocketbar across the street - a notorious dive bar, but fun nonetheless with endless Ski-Ball and Pool. Impulsively, as I have begun to do habitually when in Chinatown, I sent B a text.
Ten Minutes later, B walks through the doors. He's completely a gentleman, and even buys a round of drinks for my girls. As I knew would happen, the girls headed out, and Ben and I lingered over drinks and flirtatious conversation. A wee bit tipsy is how I ended.
With no questions asked we made our way back to his apartment, which is a block away, swanky DC style. The internal debate I had been having all evening was over my choice to go home with him. This debate was over the one tiny fact that it was a cold night, I covered up in jeans, had unshaven legs and was wearing not the cutest underwear ever.
And Ladies, I did something then that no woman should ever, ever do. On the premise of having to pee due to the tipsiness, I entered B's bathroom. The idea was to desperately pray he used a traditional razor, and borrow it. What would have happened if he used an electric blade? I shiver at the thought. So I silently dry shaved, cleaned the blade, replaced it in the cupboard, and moved on with our night.
To this day, I think he has no idea.
In the spirit of October, this is a horror story, never to be repeated outside of this realm.
Last Friday, in the cold rain that is a D.C. October night, I dragged myself out of the house to meet up with two of my Besties at Bar Louie. A few cocktails later we were laughing our way to Rocketbar across the street - a notorious dive bar, but fun nonetheless with endless Ski-Ball and Pool. Impulsively, as I have begun to do habitually when in Chinatown, I sent B a text.
Ten Minutes later, B walks through the doors. He's completely a gentleman, and even buys a round of drinks for my girls. As I knew would happen, the girls headed out, and Ben and I lingered over drinks and flirtatious conversation. A wee bit tipsy is how I ended.
With no questions asked we made our way back to his apartment, which is a block away, swanky DC style. The internal debate I had been having all evening was over my choice to go home with him. This debate was over the one tiny fact that it was a cold night, I covered up in jeans, had unshaven legs and was wearing not the cutest underwear ever.
And Ladies, I did something then that no woman should ever, ever do. On the premise of having to pee due to the tipsiness, I entered B's bathroom. The idea was to desperately pray he used a traditional razor, and borrow it. What would have happened if he used an electric blade? I shiver at the thought. So I silently dry shaved, cleaned the blade, replaced it in the cupboard, and moved on with our night.
To this day, I think he has no idea.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Welcome to the Jungle...
At first I thought it was a phenomenon of the mid-twenties, but when my friends across the country all started pairing off, and the line of men I’ve dated in DC kept getting longer, I knew that DC is just a city of casual daters.
Last week, the new guy, I was seeing sent me a gchat:
“I haven't been sure how to say this which is kind of why I've been avoiding talking to you....I have definitely enjoyed spending time with you and everything, but I don't think it is a relationship I want to get serious in and I certainly don't want to lead you on in any way because you don't deserve that.”
Of course I was hurt, shocked, and dismayed….but mostly upset with the lack of common courtesy this boy showed by sending me a gchat, rather than a phone call, or in telling me in person. Another boy earlier this summer gave me a call noting that he just wasn’t “falling in love” with me. Yet another, B, I have been steadily going out with 2-3 times a month since January, with nothing to show. Perhaps I am just this unlovable, but more likely, it’s a city of casual.
In a fit of the standard disparaging remarks about P, one of my best friends T stated: “I think it's the town. The population is young and it's all about having a swinging dick good time. Single. Except for the people in the Express on Commitment Mondays.”
My friend A responded by saying, "that was courteous of him to tell you." And was seriously genuine about her comment. Have all dating relationships become so casual that it is acceptable for a guy you have been dating for over a month to send you a gchat breakup note? I refuse to accept that these are the new standards in life. We deserve more. I deserve more.
Since moving here in December of last year I’ve dated 9 men. Now define dating… Let’s go with 3+ dates and some serious making-out. Not a bad batting average when you consider that’s almost 1 a month. D.C. is all about racking up the votes, racking up the numbers, and proving that you are the best. The men here are generally short, competitive, and career focused. They are much more interested in you for the night than anyone long term.
One reason for this might be the transitory nature of life in D.C. Young people are constantly flowing in and out of the city. Hill staffers work here for 2-6 years, and then move home. International professionals come and work at the many development banks or embassies, and then retreat home. Virtually no one is looking to start a life here. That is, except me.
And that, my friends, is why I am writing; to keep a light on in the dark, to add strength to the search, and to find love in a mushroom cloud of casual.
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